How To Communicate With An Addict
Did you know as a family member of an addict, there is a healthy balance between enabling and supporting? Often times family members try so hard to control the addict and the addiction that they lose themselves in the process. They either give all they have or control everything in the loved one’s life. This can be similar to squeezing sand in the palm of your hand. The more you squeeze the more you lose. During this time, it is easy to become stressed, resentful, angry, and indifferent.
Addiction happens for a reason, there is always something behind it. It is important to educate yourself on addiction and mental health issues. Remember, your motivation for change may be higher than their motivation for change. Many addicts who seek treatment or counseling will often shift during this process and gain more motivation as they see the benefit of it. Be patient. It also shows them you are supportive if you are willing to look at yourself and make changes as well. This can be going to family or couples counseling. Addiction is a family disease, not just a personal one. The entire family needs therapy and counseling to truly heal.
Family members are often encouraged to seek counseling and support for themselves as they learn to find balance and to create healthy boundaries. You should be clear what your boundaries are and what you will or won’t put up with. Boundaries are there to keep you safe, not the addict. Take time to think about what you need. Then make sure to follow through so you aren’t making empty threats.
It is often seen that once family members seek outside support they withdraw completely from the addict. In a dangerous turn of events the family member can become so detached they aren’t able to communicate in a healthy manner leaving the addict completely alone. It is sad to see family completely withdraw to the point they don’t understand they can still offer support and guidance. Fully separating themselves by saying something like, “It’s time you fix your own problems. It’s your addiction, so you deal with it.” That type of thinking creates feelings of neglect and unnecessary destruction to the addict.
Most who struggle with addiction feel helpless, alone, guilty, and shameful. Being able to show love and communicate well are vital to the addict for being able to heal. Show you care through your behavior. Act with kindness and compassion. Most people respond to addicts with criticism, insults, belittling, or rejecting them. Listen more than you talk. They are more likely to confide in you about what is really going on if you listen without giving advice, interrupting or criticizing. Even if you don’t agree with the behavior. Most experts agree 70-93 percent of communication is nonverbal, so it is more important how you say things, than what you say. If your loved one does not want help or support, obviously you can’t force or push it upon them. However, if they are reaching out you want to be helpful in a healthy manner.
The following is an example; Let’s say you have asked your loved one to attend support group meetings as a condition of living in your home. They come home and tell you they don’t like the meetings and don’t want to go anymore. Some family members take this as another excuse to not attend and not to follow the request. A supportive family member could say, “What is it you aren’t liking about the meetings?” Engage in an open dialog. Asking search questions that can’t be answered with a yes or no. “Is there another meeting you think you would like better? How do you think you could go about finding another option? What do you think you need to help your recovery the most? Is there something I can do to help support you?” Throughout this conversation, it is important to be patient and loving. It often takes 5-7 of these types of open-ended questions to be able to get a real conversation going. Trust the process and don’t give up too quickly. Then if the family member comes up with other ideas, be open to them. Say they want to go to the gym with a sober friend a few times per week instead of a meeting. You can be flexible in how your loved one makes changes. Offer help in ways they may like, without dictating their behavior. As long as the outcome is the same there isn’t any harm in letting them follow their own strategy for change. There should be many different options someone can engage in, to work on their recovery.
If the person doesn’t engage at all and you can tell they are making excuses and not wanting to follow your rules for staying in the home. It is important to respond in a matter of fact way without heavy emotion. Saying something like, “I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. It sounds like you don’t want to attend. If this is the case, I guess you will need to look for another place to live. Let me know if you need help finding some resources. Otherwise, I will expect you out in the next 2 weeks. I wish you the best of luck finding another option. I’m really going to miss you.” Then walk out of the room. You leave the problem in their hands and not allow them time to argue.
Remember to communicate through your actions as well as your words. Remain consistent in your message, so they don’t misunderstand what you want or expect. Set a good example by being predictable in how you respond. Most individuals prefer consistency. It helps them feel safe as they know what to expect, even if they are angry because of the request.
Always let them know you love and care about them, no matter what their behavior is. Or that you have their best interest at heart whether they get help or not. There is a way to be loving, supportive, and communicate well. However, this doesn’t mean you will put up with anything. It does take work and practice, but it is possible, and this happy medium is where healing can genuinely happen on both sides.
Help can be as simple as a phone call away with professionals who understand the principles of recovery, relationships, and ultimately healing from addiction. Please feel free to contact us for counseling or coaching from anywhere. We have an abundance of ways to assist in erasing addiction and replacing it with attributes of understanding, love, compassion, and truth.