It's Not About You
This is a really difficult concept to feel; not so much to understand with your head, but to have your heart fully on board. It’s a struggle. Since you feel pain, sorrow, and anger about your loved one struggling with addiction, it feels as though it is about you. It is definitely affecting your life.
If the focus of your feelings is about you, how this affects you, or how this all looks to others, then your actions in the situation will not be constructive. It may also prevent you in moving from a closed mindset to a growth mindset, which is absolutely necessary for you to truly be of any help to your loved one.
I have heard it said that parents are afraid it is their fault when they have a child who struggles with addiction. I do think that fear is present. I also know that people around you may not understand what is happening to your child, therefore, they also may say things that lay fault at your feet. I belong to a church family that does not believe in the use of alcohol, so I used to hear things like, “boy where did you go wrong with him,” or things like, “if it was my child, I would do... [insert whatever advice was given].”
I also live in a community where alcohol, and now marijuana, is very accepted and prevalent. Many families have raised their children while they participate in alcohol and now legal marijuana, participating in those substances in moderation, so they too assume certain things about your parenting as contributing to the situation. One of the common assumptions, is that since you don’t participate in those things it has actually caused your child to go overboard with them.
In order for you to effectively respond as best you can to your family member, you must get past the defensive point that it’s about you. You must come to accept that people around you who have not dealt with it, do not understand, and you pray they will never go through the education necessary to understand.
Addiction happens across all walks of life, and across all kinds of families, and circumstances. Another truth is that there are just as many people walking around leading strong good lives who came from difficult circumstances. Many of whom made commitments in bad circumstances to change their lives, and therefore their children’s lives, from the lives they had to something better, these are called cycle breakers.
We likely take too much credit whether our family members do well or struggle. We don’t truly have the control necessary to wear the accolades or judgments of our family members choices. Choices in life are exactly that, choices. And we each have them to make.
Another by-product of thinking it is about you is anger. No one ever reacts well to a situation when they experience feelings of anger. No person believes someone who says, “I love you,” but is angry with them most of the time. Individuals who struggle with addiction already feel badly about themselves. They already believe they are bad because they feel they are different than other people. To feel anger and hate from others just reaffirms these negative feelings.
Since it is not about you, there is no reason to cover up for your loved one or make excuses for your loved one. If your loved one had any other health issue you would research that issue, educate yourself, and seek help in any way that would help them. You would never pretend it didn’t exist. You would never ignore symptoms as they become apparent. You would never do anything that would harm your loved one more, to make yourself appear better to others. You would know that being a good loving parent means that you would do all within your power that will effectively help the situation.
In other words, you would move into a growth mindset and expand your understanding and knowledge to the best of your ability. Then you would seek to implement what you learned as diligently as possible. If you failed to conquer a necessary technique, you would try again, and again, until you have gained more skills. So many obstacles are off the table when you understand it is not about you. You are then in a position to accept that there is a truth out there that we can always do better, and be better, and work towards those goals.
Addict II Athlete Recovery Coach Dee (emphasis on supporting family members)
About the Author
I lost my son in December 2021 to suicide after a lifetime struggle with addiction. He found sobriety after a jail stint and finding the newly organized Addict to Athlete program. Hemaintained sobriety for 9 years. He shared with me in the last year of his life that he had experienced some relapses. How extensive they were may only be known to him. While rereading letters he sent me from jail after his death, he expressed that I should never be afraid to share his story, my story, with anyone it might help. I learned so much on this journey with him, and desire to share in the hopes that it might strengthen others dealing with the same situation to know there is a tribe out in the world who understand what you are going through. In talking about the stumbling blocks that I have struggled with, I hope it may help you move through them, if you encounter the same.